And what of the actual ceremony itself? Every year, in spite of the show's supposedly declining ratings, everyone still talks about it. Every year, I read some article ranting about how the Oscars could be improved, and it's always the same shallow criticisms that miss the larger points. Endless whining about the winners, hosts, acceptance speeches, and blah, blah, blah. (Quite frankly, if it's 2012 and your Oscar rant includes the phrase "No one cares for Best Sound Editing or Short Films", you're just a douchebag). And the most recent ceremonies, with few exceptions, have been nothing short of abysmal. I can't tell you how glad I am that I missed the majority of last year's disasterpiece hosted by the two single WORST hosts in the history of the show, James Franco and Anne Hathaway. After the horrid opening monologue, I immediately went bowling with some friends. To save the Oscars from completely sliding into irrelevance, I, a more-than-qualified observer of society and culture, have created my own list of failure-proof suggestions to improve the Oscar ceremony.
1)Know when to cut the fat out.
I am so tired of hearing people whine like sleep-deprived infants about how long and boring the acceptance speeches are. They're not as long as people seem to think, and frankly,why do people even care about them that much? These Oscar winners are living their dreams out on that podium, let them take an extra second or minute to let their feelings and accolades out. One of the many reasons Jon Stewart was such a great host was because he insisted on letting the songwriters from Once finish their acceptance speeches after the producers rudely cut them off. It was a classy thing to do, and to shove people off the stage in their moment of triumph is nothing short of vulgar. Some people might argue that the producers have to speed things up to make sure the show isn't too long. BULLSHIT.
The Academy Awards to waste the audience's time with nonsense. Dance numbers that go on forever, musical numbers that sometimes have nothing to with any nominated movie (and why don't they perform the Best Song nominees anymore?), horrendous "comedy" sketches that also seem to go on forever, and pointless montages! And you're whining about acceptance speeches? Unless it's a montage related to a special Humanitarian or Lifetime Acheivement Award or a memorial tribute to the show business deceased, don't waste our time with a pointless montage. Instead of embrassing yourselves with comedy sketches that only out-of-touch baby boomers would find cute, have stand-up comedians present the awards. No one wants to hear those annoying speeches that start with "The job of the nominees is to bring life to blah blah fucking blah........" Maybe shake things up with unexpected presenters like Gilbert Gottfried or Andrew Dice Clay, just to see what will happen. Only Billy Crystal can get away with opening montages and musical numbers that parody the Best Picture nominees. Everyone else is just setting themselves up for an epic fail.
2) Don't be afraid to let it all hang out and have some politically incorrect fun.
Recently, Sacha Baron Cohen was banned from attending the Oscar ceremony, for fear that he would show up in his "Dictator" character from his upcoming movie. That would have led to some classic Oscar moments, but remember, this is the same Academy that fired one of it's producers for using a homophobic slur the way eleven-year-olds boys use it all over the world. (As a result of that "controversy", Eddie Murphy, the one comedian who might have made the best host in Oscar history, resigned along with him.) This is why Hollywood is viewed in the same light as the current and former 2012 GOP candidates: as wealthy, out-of-touch yuppie scum desperately trying to stay "relevant" and "popular" in a world that passed them by a long time ago. What they don't understand is that sometimes,people watch these award shows hoping for some unexpected moment that will make the headlines, be it Marlon Brando's Native American protest or Michael Moore's legendary Oscar speech. People loved when Ricky Geravis went up at the Golden Globes and immediately started attacking all of the pompous, overpaid bastards in show business. It brought a jolt of fresh energy to a show no one would have watched. After Hollywood tried to destroy the Internet with the Stop Online Piracy Act and Protect IP Act (and then had the balls to threaten to withdraw support for President Obama when he sided with the people), no one cares about multi-millionaire performers feeling "uncomfortable". You get paid millions to make crap like Green Lantern, Real Steel. and Hangover 2, and you still receive a "gift basket" before the show even begins. You can take a fucking joke and a provocative speech. Grow the fuck up.
3) Install an applause machine in the Kodak Theatre.
The one moment during the telecast that I actually find repulsive is the In Memoriam montage. Not because they shouldn't be honored (they absolutely should), but because of the vulgar and classless way the audience will hoot and wildly applaud Paul Newman or Whitney Houston, but sit in bored silence when the name of some respected cinematographer who died last year shows up on the screen. Do these spoiled bastards in the crowd not get how obscene that is? Do they think the accomplishments and lives of who worked behind the scenes doesn't matter?
Save all cheering and applause for the end of the montage, you elitist, spoiled, juvenile fucks.
What do you think? Any other suggestions for improving the Oscar telecast? Let me know in the comments.
Sunday, February 26, 2012
Oscar Rant, part 1 of 2.
Well, it's that time of year again. The Academy Awards air this Sunday night, and I can't make any
predictions this time around, since the only Best Picture nominee I've seen was Midnight In Paris. Yes, that's right, because of school work and the process of aging, I don't care about the Academy Awards anymore. It used to be a bigger deal for me in years past. Ever since I was little, I’ve always had this life-long fantasy of getting up on stage and hosting the show. The Academy Awards seemed to be the one event every year that represented a meeting of the cultural gods, as least according to me. It was always fun seeing who would win, and debating who should won instead.(Also, I used to recite the entire list of Best Picture winners from memory when I was younger.) Every now and then, I still imagine myself walking down the red carpet, into the Kodak Theatre. However, as I got older and more mature in my worldview and starting watching more movies from decades past, I realized that the show was becoming more and more irrelevant, in many ways. The more movies I watched, the more I appreciated how the Academy Awards has, in more ways than I thought, been wrong in their decisions regarding the nominations of certain movies and people. Why does anyone trust the Academy's judgment when they've made the following decisions over the years:
-Giving the Best Picture Oscar to How Green Was My Valley instead of Citizen Kane. This isn't to say that Valley was a terrible film by any means, but did it truly deserve to beat out one of the greatest movies of the last century?
-Best Picture category for 1952: High Noon, Ivanhoe, Moulin Rouge, The Quiet Man. And what was that year's winner? Cecil B Demille's Greatest Show On Earth.
-1968: A (merely good) Broadway musical version of Oliver Twist wins, while one of the greatest movies of all time by one of the greatest directors, Stanley Kubrick's 2001:A Space Odyssey, is not even nominated. Unforgivable.
-Remember,the guy from a 1950's sitcom was awarded Best Actor instead of Al Pacino at the 47th Oscar ceremony. Sadly, when Pacino did win, it was over Denzel Washington's incomparable performance in Malcolm X.
-Rocky is an excellent movie, but did it truly deserve to beat Network, one of those rare movies that becomes more and more relevant with every passing year?
-Surely Annie Hall and Star Wars could have shared the Best Picture Oscar at the 50th ceremony. Just once, I would love for the Best Picture presenter to open the envelope and announce, "We have a tie!". More often than not, I feel this should have happened throughout the history of the show.
-Many great scenes from Apocalypse Now have become embedded in our cultural lexicon ("I love the smell of napalm in the morning", etc.). Does anyone remember Kramer Vs. Kramer as vividly? Again, I'm not saying it's a bad movie, but I saw it once and can't remember a thing from it. Maybe I wasn't in the right state of mind.
-I've never seen Ordinary People, so I can't comment on it, but what excuse can be made for turning down one of the best sports movies ever made, Raging Bull?
-One of the best movies ever made, Fargo, loses to one of the worst movies ever made about World War Two, The English Patient? Once again, simply unforgivable. (Also, as excellent as No Country For Old Men was, how many people suspect it only won because the Academy realized the mistake it made at the 50th ceremony and finally tried to catch up to the Coen Brothers?)
-The only thing worst than Saving Private Ryan losing to Shakespeare In Love was the truly tasteless D-Day dance number at the 71th ceremony.
-I know I'm going to catch some hostile reactions for this one, but is is fair that American Beauty won, but Being John Malkovich wasn't even nominated? I think not.
-Gladiator is not a bad movie at all, but watch it alongside Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon. No comparison can be made.
-If you're going to honor Martin Scorsese decades too late, it would have been wise to give him the award for Gangs Of New York. (Also, as great as The Departed was, it should have tied with Babel in 2006).
-A four-way tie should have occurred at the 78th Oscars. Brokeback Mountain, Capote, Good Night And Good Luck, and the criminally underrated Munich, all great movies, all defeating the godawful Crash. Leave all the negative comments you want, you know I'm right on this one.
-And, yes, sorry, but as excellent as The King's Speech was, you can't convince me it deserved to beat The Social Network.
Do you agree or disagree with my selections of the Academy Hall Of Infamy? Are there any other wins or losses I left out? Let me know in the comments section.
Part 2 to come.
predictions this time around, since the only Best Picture nominee I've seen was Midnight In Paris. Yes, that's right, because of school work and the process of aging, I don't care about the Academy Awards anymore. It used to be a bigger deal for me in years past. Ever since I was little, I’ve always had this life-long fantasy of getting up on stage and hosting the show. The Academy Awards seemed to be the one event every year that represented a meeting of the cultural gods, as least according to me. It was always fun seeing who would win, and debating who should won instead.(Also, I used to recite the entire list of Best Picture winners from memory when I was younger.) Every now and then, I still imagine myself walking down the red carpet, into the Kodak Theatre. However, as I got older and more mature in my worldview and starting watching more movies from decades past, I realized that the show was becoming more and more irrelevant, in many ways. The more movies I watched, the more I appreciated how the Academy Awards has, in more ways than I thought, been wrong in their decisions regarding the nominations of certain movies and people. Why does anyone trust the Academy's judgment when they've made the following decisions over the years:
-Giving the Best Picture Oscar to How Green Was My Valley instead of Citizen Kane. This isn't to say that Valley was a terrible film by any means, but did it truly deserve to beat out one of the greatest movies of the last century?
-Best Picture category for 1952: High Noon, Ivanhoe, Moulin Rouge, The Quiet Man. And what was that year's winner? Cecil B Demille's Greatest Show On Earth.
-1968: A (merely good) Broadway musical version of Oliver Twist wins, while one of the greatest movies of all time by one of the greatest directors, Stanley Kubrick's 2001:A Space Odyssey, is not even nominated. Unforgivable.
-Remember,the guy from a 1950's sitcom was awarded Best Actor instead of Al Pacino at the 47th Oscar ceremony. Sadly, when Pacino did win, it was over Denzel Washington's incomparable performance in Malcolm X.
-Rocky is an excellent movie, but did it truly deserve to beat Network, one of those rare movies that becomes more and more relevant with every passing year?
-Surely Annie Hall and Star Wars could have shared the Best Picture Oscar at the 50th ceremony. Just once, I would love for the Best Picture presenter to open the envelope and announce, "We have a tie!". More often than not, I feel this should have happened throughout the history of the show.
-Many great scenes from Apocalypse Now have become embedded in our cultural lexicon ("I love the smell of napalm in the morning", etc.). Does anyone remember Kramer Vs. Kramer as vividly? Again, I'm not saying it's a bad movie, but I saw it once and can't remember a thing from it. Maybe I wasn't in the right state of mind.
-I've never seen Ordinary People, so I can't comment on it, but what excuse can be made for turning down one of the best sports movies ever made, Raging Bull?
-One of the best movies ever made, Fargo, loses to one of the worst movies ever made about World War Two, The English Patient? Once again, simply unforgivable. (Also, as excellent as No Country For Old Men was, how many people suspect it only won because the Academy realized the mistake it made at the 50th ceremony and finally tried to catch up to the Coen Brothers?)
-The only thing worst than Saving Private Ryan losing to Shakespeare In Love was the truly tasteless D-Day dance number at the 71th ceremony.
-I know I'm going to catch some hostile reactions for this one, but is is fair that American Beauty won, but Being John Malkovich wasn't even nominated? I think not.
-Gladiator is not a bad movie at all, but watch it alongside Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon. No comparison can be made.
-If you're going to honor Martin Scorsese decades too late, it would have been wise to give him the award for Gangs Of New York. (Also, as great as The Departed was, it should have tied with Babel in 2006).
-A four-way tie should have occurred at the 78th Oscars. Brokeback Mountain, Capote, Good Night And Good Luck, and the criminally underrated Munich, all great movies, all defeating the godawful Crash. Leave all the negative comments you want, you know I'm right on this one.
-And, yes, sorry, but as excellent as The King's Speech was, you can't convince me it deserved to beat The Social Network.
Do you agree or disagree with my selections of the Academy Hall Of Infamy? Are there any other wins or losses I left out? Let me know in the comments section.
Part 2 to come.
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